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May 13th, 2009

08:43 am - Summer Movies I Want to See
May 22nd: Night at the Museum II, Easy Virtue

May 29th: Up, Departures (possibly)

June 19th: Year One

July 15th: Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince

July 31st: Adam

August 21st: Post Grad

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May 5th, 2009

01:00 am
Dear Life,

Hahaha! You think you are so hilarious...OK, yes, sure, you kind of are.

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April 29th, 2009

09:28 am - Appearances
I'm concerned at how much I've changed this year, particularly in the past month or so. I've lost a pants size and while I'm quite happy with that I feel like I need to lose more. To be frank, I'm not entirely sure that would be healthy. I am also wearing makeup most days, straightening my hair, and wearing cute outfits. Now, there is nothing really wrong with that but it's just not traditionally me. Sure, I'll be the first to admit that a lot of this stemmed from having a crush on a boy but now I sort of just take pleasure in doing it. I feel prettier and more self-confident (and I've been having an abundance of time in the mornings). I guess I sort of fear that I'm placing value in things that aren't that important. I now look in the mirror and think, "Wow, I look good! I'm actually rather pretty and guys SHOULD like me". It's weird and feels wrong somehow. It disturbs me that I'm willing to spend more on my appearance than on reading my Bible and praying. Not good, not good at all.

For the past 8 months or so I've been feeling rather restless and sometimes I will feel hollow and empty inside as if something is missing. I can only imagine that this something is a good relationship with God. It frightens me because, in Christian circles, that "hollow" feeling means that you don't even have God in your life.

At work, I feel like it is so easy to pick up other people's values. The whole sleeping with people, living together, drinking thing. I feel like I need to do something to even compete, you know? Even at church, I am frusterated at how young I am compared to people and I'm really, except for one or two, without any secrets. I'm still quite young and childish in my mindset compared to a lot of people. I want to be taken seriously but I don't think I have the tools to make that happen. I'm short, I have a high, soft voice, and yeah, I like bug hunting, feeding the ducks, and reading children's books. At the same time, I'm not sure I want to be a witty, urbane person because A) I don't really think that is pleasing to God and B) That's really not me.

People keep telling me that there will be someone out there that will appreciate all the facets that make me up, and perhaps that is true. I know I shouldn't worry about it. Right now I need to focus on what I believe God is nudging me towards, about trying to get to know Him better, about making Him my number one focus, which He should be already. And to not pay attention to men so much or even getting together so often with people. I need to run the race slowly and steadily and not rush headlong into something or pine after someone/something I cannot have.
Current Mood: thoughtfulthoughtful

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April 26th, 2009

07:20 am - This Does Not Surprise Me At All
Sloth:Very High
Lust:Very Low

Take the Seven Deadly Sins Quiz

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07:12 am - What Happened to...
the girl I used to be? I've started wearing more fashionable clothes, doing my hair (complete with straightening it), and doing my makeup. Not only that, I'm enjoying it! And perhaps even more startling, I'm starting to think that I'm pretty. I know I'll never be beautiful but I'm starting to think that I might be able to hold my own in a crowd.

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April 24th, 2009

07:35 am
Random Thought: Apparently, I blush. I never knew this! How could my friends have failed to mention this to me? I was out to dinner last night talking to a friend about my crush and she said, "Oh, you are blushing!" Apparently, and fortunately, my whole face doesn't turn red, just my cheekbones. That is a relief anyway. But it does make me wonder how very often I have blushed in the past and never known.

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April 21st, 2009

09:58 am - Why I Love Online M/B Tests
ENFP - "Journalist". Uncanny sense of the motivations of others. Life is an exciting drama. 8.1% of total population.
Free Jung Word Choice Test (similar to MBTI)
personality tests by similarminds.com

Extraverted (E) 75% Introverted (I) 25%
Sensing (S) 68% Intuitive (N) 32%
Feeling (F) 75% Thinking (T) 25%
Perceiving (P) 64% Judging (J) 36%

ESFP: Everything being slight except for the F

ENFP according to http://www.personalitytest.net/cgi-bin/a.pl

I took some of these tests a few days ago and there was about a 50/50 split between E and I. Got to love the accuracy!

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09:49 am - Some of My Favorite Picture Books
Too Many Pumpkins by Linda White
Pretzel by Margaret Rey (If you haven't read this you should! It's adorable!)
The Jolly Little Postman by the Ahlbergs
Each Peach, Pear, Plum by the Ahlbergs
Frederick by Leo Lionni
Whistle for Willie by E.J. Keats
The Day Jimmy's Boa Ate the Wash by Trina Hakes Noble
The King's Equal by Katherine Patterson
A Bad Case of Stripes by David Shannon
Dr. DeSoto by William Steig
Many Moons by James Thurber
Bill in a China Shop by Katie McAllaster Weaver
The Max books by Rosemary Wells
Adele and Simon by Barbara McClintock
The Library Lion by Michelle Knudson
When Dinosaurs Came with Everything by Elise Broach
Piggies by Audrey Wood
Heckedy Peg by Audrey Wood
Hey, AL by Arthur Yorinks
Any Harry, the Dirty Dog book by Gene Zion
All the Carl books by Alexandra Day
Goodnight, Gorilla and 10 Minutes till Bedtime by Peggy Rathman
Tuesday by David Wiesner
Princesses are Not Quitters by Kat Lum and Sue Hellard
Anything illustrated by Kinuko Y. Craft

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February 26th, 2009

04:43 pm - Ephesians 5:22-32
Frankly, the Biblical image of marriage sounds like kind of a drag.

Wives: "Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything" (Ephesians 5:24).

Really? Even supposing that husbands are "lov[ing] their wives as their own bodies" (Ephesians 5:28) this is no guarentee that they will be making good decisions. You can do your best but you are still going to fail. And really, are wives supposed to just sit around having their advice at times ignored, and then be completely fine with the poor decision their husbands make? I'm not saying this would happen all the time. It may not even be the norm in a relationship but man, that would be rough! No thanks! I don't want another person making all the important decisions about what is going to happen to me and my life. (God, of course, is another story as He is infalliable). Did God really intend for women to be that passive?

Husbands: "In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself" (Ephesians 5:28).

I don't know about you but I already make enough mistakes in my own life. I wouldn't want the responsibility of making all the important decisions in someone else's as well. Talk about pressure! If you end up making some terrible mistake that affects your wife you know you are fully to blame. Buying a house? Investing? Moving? Want 6 kids? You, husband, are the ultimate deciding factor. And if you don't want to take your wife's advice you can go ahead and ignore it. You can make that decision, it's within your right. Of course, it might be up to debate as to whether you are loving your wife as your own body... And if that decision of yours goes sour, well, you have no one but yourself to blame.

It seems like this arrangement would cause quite a bit of resentment on both people's parts. I would think that a wife would start resenting her husband and envy his freedom and I would think the husband would start to resent his wife for being a burden.

And if this is really how it is supposed to work I don't really think I want to get married. I wish, oh I wish ever so much, that I didn't long for a romantic relationship or, when I end up having a crush on someone, feel the desire to care for them. I feel like I'm just undermining myself here.
Current Mood: upset

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February 25th, 2009

09:16 pm - Fairy Tale Reflection: John, Whose Disappearance Was Too Bad
I finally finished (at least near enough to my satisfaction) a collection of essays about fairy tales. Mirror, Mirror on the Wall contains twenty-eight essays all written by female authors. The collection is, needless to say, delightful, and the essays raise many questions regarding feminity, indoctrination, and the cultural integration of fairy tales. I have been forced to consider how Western culture potentially manipulates women into believing in a happily ever after. Some interesting thoughts:

"My feeling--probably much influenced by reading Gatsby at an early age, and no doubt reinforced by the trial of O. J. Simpson--is that men are tenacious about getting back what they think they shouldn't have lost. Because to have lost it reflects badly on them , whereas women assume they will lose things. (In our lifetime, it was once an unspoken assumption that a big part of women's so-called maturation was to lose their last names)" (from John, Whose Disappearance Was Too Bad by Ann Beattie, pg. 45).

Interesting point Ms. Beattie. I'm not entirely true I agree with the sentiment fully but the last name example really does strike a chord. Of course, if one does decide to take the name of one's husband there is the inevitable legal hassle, the many documents and credit cards that need to be changed and updated. I know a woman who is uncomfortable taking on the name of her boyfriend if they should ever wed and so, they have talked about combining their last names to make a new one. I too, have asked myself what I would do if I were to be married. Of course, this possibility is far from coming true for me, but what if? I must admit that I would be hesitant in changing my last name. I like my last name, it is part of my identity. I find something very creepy about taking on your husband's last name. It feels like a marking of territory--"This is MY woman". I've always imagined marriage to be an equal union, afterall, it is not possible to know a person fully no matter how much time you spend with them. I think it is therefore presumptious to label them as yours. I heard somewhere that once you married you ceased to be solely identified as yourself. You should expect to be "Sally's husband" or "Bob's wife". This only becomes worse once you have children. Now you are "Jimmy's Mom" or "Lucinda's Dad". Your primary identity is now defined by your relationship to someone else. Thoughts on this?

" Small moments define us, dig deep into our psyches to lay their spotty eggs. When Billy Simms showed me the mirror and suggested I looked like a monkey, I believed him though I can't say why that particular moment remains in my memory...Like the easily deceived Little Red Cap, I too fell into the seducer's trap. But craftily, I internalized the model, carrying that mirror like a flash card inside my head. No longer would I need Billy's critique; from now on, I would monitor myself" (from Little Red Cap by Patricia Foster, pg. 139).

I am fully ready to admit that this isn't a solely feminine problem. All people are inundated with images that demand we look a certain way, act a certain way, and own certain things. If we do not act on these cultural admonitions we can expect censure and derision from our peers. Perhaps the saddest and most ironic of things is that despite all of us telling ourselves that these cultural standards are incorrect and harmful, we abide and judge others by them. It is all well and good to say that everyone is beautiful, and maybe we even believe this at times. But you rarely see someone admiring someone else that doesn't in some way conform to societal norms. Those who are overweight, speak with a lisp, have trouble walking, etc. all get pushed to the side along with countless others. There are millions (if not billions) of dollars to be made in weight loss plans, cosmetic surgery, make-up, etc., all in the name of bringing out everyone's inner beauty. We say that we would rather not be in a relationship with someone if they cannot appreciate "the real us" but rarely does this sentiment crossover into the actions of our daily lives. Eating disorders seem to be on the rise and magazine models seem to grow skinnier (if women) and buffer (if males). Movies insist that we must be glamorous in order to find "that special someone". How tragic that we self monitor ourselves, repeating the mantras of society over and over again in our heads. Patricia Foster continues:

"But deep inside me, I have learned a difficult lesson: I cannot will my body into acceptance. The body, like the mind, is too messy, too curious to bend itself to such intimidation. It will be years before I understand that my hair fell out and my face broke out as a result of starvation and stress. What fairy tale creature had I trained myself to become?" ( Litte Red Cap , pg. 146)

What indeed? What sort of person do we become when we listen to those endless tapes full of pop culture advice? Let us suppose we did acheive societal perfection--the perfect body who drove the perfect car who parked it at their perfect house where they were greeted by their perfect girlfriend/boyfriend/husband/wife. Would we then be happy? I think we all know the answer to this and yet, for whatever reason, refuse to let that knowledge enter our hearts. I do not know why this is. Perhaps it is because so many of us are desperately lonely and we long for an attainable panacea. In fact, I'm going to go out of a limb and say that I believe many of our insecurities, our lashing out at others, our avarice and power plays stem from loneliness. I feel this is confirmed by the host of Internet dating sites out there, the singles bars, and Post Secret. If you are not familiar with Post Secret (postsecret.blogspot.com) it is a website that displays people's secrets written on postcards. Thousands upon thousands of secrets are sent to the founder Frank Warren who chooses which ones to display on the website and include in the books that are published periodically. The secrets are sometimes funny, sometimes scary, and, most often, heart breaking. For example,
"I told my ex my tattoo means "Spirit" in Chinese...but really it's his name" or "Sometimes I think the only reason I like Kate Winslet is because her naked body reminds me of my ex-girlfriends'". If these secrets, and countless others exhibited on the site, don't cry loneliness I don't know what does.

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